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Ephemeral Delusion

Saturday, November 29, 2008, 1:05 AM

i hate banana pancakes.

They made me sick.

Say Paschendale was a charnel house from which no men returned; if you were a soldier, would you march on & be headstrong my changeling? For it felt there was happiness in that moment, this thing called happiness does not begin right there; for it is only a sparkle in an instant. It occurred to me how ridiculous it is if you were to wake up one morning and think to yourself, 'this is where happiness begin!'. I bet 10 you will be kicking yourself next and wishing you had never said that. It is never rational to dope your cards on something not forever you see, for I would rather be a pessimist so the ending (or fantasy I should say,) wont disappoint me too much. Least to your expectation, there might just be a pleasant surprise, like a delicious sweet dessert; voluptuous yet almost scandalous to touch, channeling you to the final course of the meal. I mean I totally adore that feeling, dont you? It might not mean anything significant, but for once I will allow myself to sleep better at night.

Let dreams be dreams- excuses, what fucking coward we're. It seemed forever that daily notion here then was a daily transition, and I never got sick of it at all. At times I feel unmoored, as though I have lost direction for I cant remember how should I act in the Toyes. I missed it. Play egoists or servant; either way it takes 2 hands to clap.

''I begin to hear voices, cant concentrate.... see I cant even write this properly, I cant read....''

It might sound cliche but I cant help but sigh at the vulnerability of human- or humanity; the Maya's 2012 prediction, or even the statistical possibility of a premature death (-accidental or suicide? I dont know).

I was caught by suprise how indifferent i felt towards that matter of showing affection, something which is of course so natural, yet at a point of time it reckons mundane and grossly exhausting. I suppose the pagatory will be swaping, liberation of within, to accept the fact that the magic is gone and I, I do need to make the cruel fact a truth. Someday, not today baby.

Perhaps people have had felt threatened by my extinction, I live with it too. I believe I may have the last line.

If I were thinking clearly, I will tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark. And that only I can, myself understand.

I feel like I've just stumbled into a gold mine. I wanna read all your stuff!

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008, 2:16 AM

Show me the blinding

"Its the blinding, thats the last thing that you ever see.
But you might be happy oh happier, than you have ever been."

I think I think too much, amazing much it rhymes. Yes sir I shall quit couping everything and everything inside of myself all the time; well in case of a pressure cooker malfunction. You wouldnt want to see my innards flying do you? Well sometimes it is just so hard, you see. It doesnt matter if you dont understand, it doesnt matter if i die clutching your photograph. Dont call me boring, it is only because of. That.

I suppose I am just not made for that. Of truth and denial; of the jolts that struck me awake at night, and of the spacing out now and then, I salute you mister. You have done an awesome job in stealing, and making me pay back for all that i've scorned.

Yea and a by the way remark, i sold my baby yesterday to this women that drives but still insisted on me going all the way to Sengkang to meet her. For the sake of the 10$ more well i went still of course, and there is still this little sense of remesense lingering. I was never playing with it anymore, and i figured out it will be better to own something that promotes healthier living. You know where i'm hinting at, haha, well if i really do buy something for myself with that money i will put up pictures of course.

Now who cares when they tell me I'd break an arm playing that. Lest it makes me happy. Maybe plus a happy meal, it will be perfecto.

I hope i dint scare you. Soz.

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