Ephemeral Delusion

Saturday, November 29, 2008, 1:05 AM
i hate banana pancakes.

They made me sick.

Say Paschendale was a charnel house from which no men returned; if you were a soldier, would you march on & be headstrong my changeling? For it felt there was happiness in that moment, this thing called happiness does not begin right there; for it is only a sparkle in an instant. It occurred to me how ridiculous it is if you were to wake up one morning and think to yourself, 'this is where happiness begin!'. I bet 10 you will be kicking yourself next and wishing you had never said that. It is never rational to dope your cards on something not forever you see, for I would rather be a pessimist so the ending (or fantasy I should say,) wont disappoint me too much. Least to your expectation, there might just be a pleasant surprise, like a delicious sweet dessert; voluptuous yet almost scandalous to touch, channeling you to the final course of the meal. I mean I totally adore that feeling, dont you? It might not mean anything significant, but for once I will allow myself to sleep better at night.

Let dreams be dreams- excuses, what fucking coward we're. It seemed forever that daily notion here then was a daily transition, and I never got sick of it at all. At times I feel unmoored, as though I have lost direction for I cant remember how should I act in the Toyes. I missed it. Play egoists or servant; either way it takes 2 hands to clap.

''I begin to hear voices, cant concentrate.... see I cant even write this properly, I cant read....''

 It might sound cliche but I cant help but sigh at the vulnerability of human- or humanity; the Maya's 2012 prediction, or even the statistical possibility of a premature death (-accidental or suicide? I dont know).

I was caught by suprise how indifferent i felt towards that matter of showing affection, something which is of course so natural, yet at a point of time it reckons mundane and grossly exhausting. I suppose the pagatory will be swaping, liberation of within, to accept the fact that the magic is gone and I, I do need to make the cruel fact a truth. Someday, not today baby.

Perhaps people have had felt threatened by my extinction, I live with it too. I believe I may have the last line.

If I were thinking clearly, I will tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark. And that only I can, myself understand.




I feel like I've just stumbled into a gold mine. I wanna read all your stuff!  


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